How to communicate clearly and lovingly

Learn to speak what you feel, and act what you speak. – Sathya Sai Baba

Sometimes this is easier said than done. Why is that so? It all comes down to integrity: aligning what you think with what you say and how you act. First comes the thought.  Based on the thought you have a feeling and finally you act and speak. All of this together makes your character.

Yoga puts a lot of emphasis on how to think.  If you train to think in unconditional love you will more likely feel feelings of love, speak honestly and act in a meaningful way. The practice of awareness encompasses all components thoughts, words and deeds, all infused with unconditional love.

Here are a few thoughts and easy to apply insights by Dr. Pat Allen from her book “Conversational Rape”:

When this language training begins around one or two years of age, the motivation behind the training will be based on one of two types of love. One is unconditional, acceptance love which recognizes the rights of the little child to have any and all feelings, wants and not-wants, and to express them. The second restricts the child to “right” and “wrong” feelings, shoulds and not-shoulds. In this latter language program, conditional love is given for good performance.

The child, in order to survive in the family unit, soon learns to activate the negative processes. Whether suppression, repression, projection, sublimation or compensation, these processes cloak the child’s true feelings and thoughts, rather than allow for free expression.

It is more a reaction “should” program, than an action “want” program. The resulting behavior has been labeled gamey, neurotic, and/or psychotic.

Each feeling, thought and action uses language as a vehicle of communication to oneself and others. If the basic language training was based on intimidation and seduction (“Do it or else I will not love you” or “Do it for me and I will love you more”), the person will believe that this conditional love system is the right way to do it. He or she will adopt the system as the norm, and use it throughout their life, thus perpetuating more intimidation and seduction. […]

Emotional language includes repeated instances of you should, you ought, you must and you have to. In contrast, the language of love is simple: I want …, I do not want … I want you …, I do not want you … . When you ask your companion, “I want to go shopping tomorrow. Do you want to go with me?” the listener has the mental and emotional space to think freely through his or her decision and formulate a simple, direct response. […]

Knowing this simple approach to making decisions allows everyone to have the power of choice.

In “The Answers” she writes:

How many people think that saying “I don’t want to” is impolite or negative? We gotta get over it. Potency outranks politeness. Put politeness at the end of your sentence: “I want … may I?” If you communicate in a clean way, if you clean up your internal and external languaging, you will be able to re-wire your brain and attract what you want in life and eliminate what you do not want in life.

In her books Dr. Pat Allen defines

  • intimacy as the ability to communicate clearly about wants and not-wants and then to negotiate disagreements in a clear way. She defines
  • love as the contracts you are willing to make and to keep with others and with yourself.
  • All this together she defines as integrity.

Yoga is all about seeing clearly, to act right. Once you put all the negative thoughts away and once you can truly listen to your now undisturbed intuition, you will automatically act with integrity.

Putting your attention on how you speak for a while as an active practice will probably highly increase your ability to listen to your intuition and to be more aligned in your  thoughts, words and deeds.

“Before you speak think: Is it necessary? Is it true? Is it kind? Will it hurt anyone? Will it improve on the silence” – Sai Baba

“Speak with Love and it becomes Truth.” – Sai Baba